abandonment
Monday, Jan. 21, 2013 @ 12:22 AM

Flawed. Irredeemable. Rotten and hollow at the core. Nothing. Nobody. Untalented. Undeserving of life.

This is how I feel pretty much every day. I have failed in DBT. My therapist is terminating with me in two weeks. We have been discussing referrals and continuing therapy with someone else for the past few sessions. Last week I told him I don't want to continue on in therapy because I feel like I cannot be fixed and it would be a waste of time. I put in 2 1/2 years in DBT and still feel just as shitty as I did when I started. There is no hope for me, and I'm determined to get him to see it and agree.

He has disagreed, and countered that I have made some progress. I disagree, but even if it were true, it's not enough. I've read enough stories from 40 and 50 year old people who have been in therapy their entire lives and still feel hopeless to know that that will be my fate if I don't die before then. I brought this up with my therapist, and all he could say was that they weren't making a wise mind decision when they chose to end their lives.

I want to start making good decisions, but I know the truth about myself and don't want to waste anyone else's time. Money is also an issue. Psychiatrists dismiss me and won't give me the meds I want. Everyone is abandoning me and I don't know what to do.