Screaming into the void
Monday, Feb. 04, 2013 @ 9:04 PM

This is it. I'm free wheelin'.

My therapist terminated with me last Wednesday.

I was okay during the session. We talked about seeking another therapist, when to check into the hospital, those sorts of things, then he told me he had something for me. He gave me a card signed by the director (a well-known name in the BPD world), and all the other therapists on the team. Their well-wishes were pretty generic. It was sort of awkward yet comforting to read the card. He also gave me a copy of "Tuesdays with Morrie," stating that it was his favorite book, and that he hoped I got something out of reading it.

I left the session the same as I always did. We didn't hug or shake hands or anything. He's not that type of guy, and I'm not that that type of girl. We did hug once after we attended the funeral of his client/my best friend.

I left feeling very numb. I went to my car and took off to go pick up my daughter. That was when the tears started flowing. I cried for about five minutes while smoking a cigarette, then regained my composure in time for me to greet the staff member who opened the door to the after-school program my daughter attneds. "How are you doing?" she asked. "Fine," I replied. Polite, bullshit conversation. It never ends.

I started reading the book, but I haven't really been able to get into it. The author is not pretentious, but his subject is.

I really miss my therapist, and my roommate, who left about a week before our last session. I expected myself to be a mess throughout all of this, but so far so good.

I know I need to cry about this stuff -- the emotion is there, but I can't make the tears happen. As another DBT-er put it, it's "emotional constipation" that needs to be flushed out. I just don't know how to allow myself these types of emotions.

As I stated, I miss him a lot, even though we haven't even "missed" a session yet (I saw him on Wednesdays). I really miss his girlfriend, who was my ex-therapist who I last saw in September of 2011. We really had a deep connection. I am secretly hoping she adds me on Facebook in September. We had joked about the whole "no sexual/personal contact for two years" post-therapy rule the APA holds. I'm probably not worth it anyway.

I don't really feel anything at the moment. I'm just trying to survive work and parenting. Lots of abrupt, difficult changes just occurred in my life and yet I'm basically numb. I have been drinking, though not to excess. It's sort of liberating and worrisome that I no longer have someone to be accountable to. No one has to know that I drank, or if I choose, to cut, do drugs, etc. I've been internet stalking the ex-therapists, but I'm finding the same old information I did when I was a client. I need some sort of connection to them.