virus
Sunday, Nov. 03, 2013 @ 8:20 PM

I feel like my brain is a virus-laden machine that cannot help but run the same program/virus combination that crashes the system. There is something deeply flawed inside of me that is doomed to keep making me make the same mistakes over and over again. I know that there is a problem, but I cannot locate the specific line of code that is malfunctioning.

I have hired a new programmer who will hopefully be able to pinpoint the exact line of code that contains the error. So far, I have been underwhelmed. She speaks over me and wants to focus on my childhood. I don't want to be one of those adults that is perpetually hung up on their childhood and "mommy issues."

Yes, I have mommy (and daddy) issues. I wouldn't have been suffering from suicidal ideation since the age of nine if that were not the case. But let's not lose sight of more salient issues, such as being raped multiple times and forced to live in almost total isolation for two years during my adolescence. Let's not lose sight of the users who are drawn to me like a shark smelling blood in the water. Let's not lose sight of the aforementioned parents and extended family disowning me at the ripe old age of 19 for a mistake any one of them could have made. Let's not lose sight of the impact of chronic loneliness on the psyche.

I have resigned myself to functional alcoholism and other drug abuse to fix the damage the virus causes. I believe these chemicals inactivate the virus temporarily and allow me to think and process myself and my experiences more clearly. Spoken like a true addict, I know. I wouldn't use these substances if I had a loving family and partner. Not all of us are afforded those luxuries though, and I do not think it is fair to criticize that which you do not understand.

My family... on the contrary, the bottle and the pipe have never let me down, nor do they make me feel bad about myself and my abilities. I love the person I am when I drink -- outgoing, vivacious, funny, and free. Ah, it's a good feeling to finally be unshackled from constant self-hate and self-criticism. And yet the medical and psychiatric establishment views this as a disease and a negative personality trait when they can't offer anything that even remotely approaches the kind of peace and freedom these psychoactive substances offer.

I want to be me, the person I was supposed to be and thought to be as a child. The child that was not afraid to talk openly and sing her heart out on stage. The curious child who loved school and learning, the child who loved to have the positive attention of adults. The child who was on track to reach her full potential.

Now I am a shell of what I once was, my potential thrown down the shitter of mental illness and abandonment. Just functional enough to hold down a job and keep up a facade of pure bullshit. This is y grand masterpiece, this is the culmination of life and education and experience. A scream into a void.