questioning
Sunday, Sept. 13, 2009 @ 1:38 AM

I�m at the point in my recovery where I�m wondering if I�m actually okay or just pretending and blocking everything out. It�s been more than two years since I�ve injured myself. I figure that after I completed treatment in 2005 I pretty much got my shit together until a certain someone became involved in my life. Now, at the time I was also abusing seroquel so I could finally get some relief from my insomnia, and was so high from it one day that I actually backed my car into a cop car.

Anyway, this questioning on my part was triggered by ex/bf/whatever the fuck he is now trying to accuse me of lying about my spontaneous recovery. He says I need as much help as he does (he is a high-functioning alcoholic) but gives no specific examples. His comments just leave me weirded out. Is someone seeing something I don�t want to, or is he completely full of shit and projecting his problems on me? The recent comments were probably a jab, as I had just confessed that I had gone out drinking with a guy friend of mine, a guy who considers me his sister, and he had the audacity to accuse me of having sex with him that night. He said, �I know how you get when you drink. You fucked him!� Excuse me, but no you don�t. I have to get shitfaced in order to be able to have sex with you, and you know that and the reasons behind it. When I go out it�s completely different�I�m not some raging horny slut you moron (you should know better!).

He is right in a sense, because, to be honest, there is still one issue that I have, and that is having a moderate problem with hair pulling. My primary area of attack has always been my eyelashes for whatever reason, though I have forced myself to shift my focus from that area to my legs as that�s socially acceptable. My social anxiety got better, then worse recently, and when I sit and think about what a fucking loser I am I pull. So yeah.

The loser feelings have been exacerbated recently because I'm also reconsidering my major, though nothing else my university has to offer sounds appealing. I got squeamish dealing with the friend I mentioned above after I had to deal with him being homeless for a week and a half and the homeless friends he met on the streets. I really don't want to deal with people like them or anyone who is steeped in denial and difficult to communicate with which is pretty much the types of people social workers deal with on a regular basis. I've known for a long time that I really don't want a career focused on people because I get frustrated and scared too easily; however, it seems to be the only thing I'm suited for because people from all walks of life have no problem disclosing their deepest, darkest personal issues to me at random, without knowing me at all or even establishing that I'm not going to be the judgmental douchebag that I am. Also, as far as my anxiety is concerned, it really isn't a problem when I feel like I'm in a position of authority. I think I am screwed.