failure
Thursday, Apr. 22, 2010 @ 12:24 AM

Today was marked by failure.

Every single relationship I�ve ever had has been a complete and utter waste of time for both me and the other person. Every exchange overthought, undervalued, and ultimately worthless.

Pop, pop, pop went the eyelashes as I thought drill, drill, drill a hole in my arm with an electric drill, blood splattering in a circular pattern against a wall. I can�t grasp them now because they�re wet with tears. Stupid fucking weak tears. Also, stab, stab, stab myself in the head with a knife and watch blood pour out my mouth. Earlier this year the intrusive thoughts involved me bleeding out in the snow somewhere around Donner Summit. The problem with this isn�t so much having to resist the urge to do these things, but rather their failure in pushing away everything I built up in my mind that was positive about myself. The self is collapsing.